Those Twilight films

-by Jillian

Twilight Movie Review Jillian Godsil Practice PROk, film one was all about a girl meeting a vampire. She had moved schools I think and was largely friendless and did I mention that he was a vampire. They met and fell in love. Good plot so far.

Film two was all about having a holiday in Italy because the vampire wanted to kill himself because he thought she was no longer in love with him, I think. Another good plot, think Romeo and Juliet.

Film three there is a bit of row. There is this vampire and Edward (the main lead) killed her partner and so she spawns a mini army to kill Bella (did I mention the female lead) but it doesn’t work.  Both still alive at end of this film.

Film four and it’s a two-parter. The one I sat through tonight while the other, as yet unreleased one, is all about a war I think. This one, the fourth in the series, is all about Bella getting married to Edward, having a baby and then dying in childbirth. Only of course she doesn’t die (hope I have not spoilt it for any 12 year olds out there reading my blog, yeah right!)

So this film was excruciatingly awful. The first half was all posed expressions. Someone would say ‘Hello’ or similar and then hold the pose. It was a like a bad 70s porn film (I do so hope no 12 year olds are reading my blog). But it was like housewife at home and then handsome plumber arrives, shock look on face, then his smile face then shock as he drops his jocks. Only of course we were not watching 70s porn, and I’m not sure I have either, except on send ups like rudetube, but the same school of acting was used.

I have never seen so many closeups close up of talk, a word, then another set of close up of expressions. It was like Dallas and Dynasty but for teenagers.

I was so bored it was mad. But I can see why teenagers from 12 up and maybe younger love it. It is forbidden love and chaste love. It is all piercing looks to camera, to the loved one and back. Then throw in Jake, and I’m not sure how he got there in the beginning as I have not seen the other films, but he loves her (Bella) too. Personally i feel this is a bit greedy. Going from needy friend less girl to having two love boats fighting over you. I’m not sure this washes except for teenagers who believe in love, true love. The fact that one suitor is a vampire and the other werewolf is not important as they are both very hot young actors.

Finally can I just say that while Bella’s transformation from beautiful bride to mother with parasitic foetus killing her was very good, how come they could not get the makeup right on the other actors? I’ve never seen so many pale faces on vampires with brown necks. Did the makeup budget not stretch down to whitening their necks?

 

All I know is that practically every young teenager who has seen the film, and there have been millions of them, all loved it and all cried at one point in the film. Perhaps if I had cared, I might have too? Except that I was really, really bored throughout, the kind of bored I normally associate with sitting through wet Saturday afternoons as a teenager myself and nothing on the box but football.

So when the final film comes out, I think I might give it a miss!

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